My review of the Eclipse trailer

The Summit Entertainment logo flashes onto the screen surrounded by rolling, dark clouds in the background. The ‘dodudodudodu’ of the piano and the ‘yihihihi’ of the violin resonate together- making sure the audience feel the importance of the moment. This is a SAGA people. “Isabella Swan, I promise to love you every moment, forever” (Imagine Robert Pattinson’s awkward, halting tone- which is obviously his interpretation of weird and mysterious). The dialogue plays as we travel across the green forest and into Bella and Edward’s meadow- which looks like it’s filled with those plastic flowers that you can buy from any supermarket. There Eward (Robert Pattinson) holds Bella (Kristen Stewart) with the ‘yihihihi’ of the violin plucking at the strings of all the Twi Twi fans’ pulpy hearts. Then we see a shot of the sunset and the appearance of the Volturi, with Jane’s warning of “the Volturi don’t give second chances” (Wow that Italian vampire didn’t even try and hide their American accent). Dakota Fanning comes across as really menacing (note the sarcasm in the italicized font :D). It’s a pity she sounded like she’d just woken up rather than evil and creepy. Is that the distant echoing of tweens screaming? I wouldn’t be surprised with Edward and Bella lying side by side on her bed (real steamy). “Why are you so against me becoming like you?” Kristen’s standard ‘doom and gloom’ expression makes it hard to tell whether she’s in love or just wants to drink the poison- oh wait, this isn’t Romeo and Juliet- my bad! “I know the consequences of the choice you’re making,” Rob looks like he’s on autopilot at this stage, “after a few decades all the people you know will be dead.”This is said over a sequence of two heartbreaking shots of Bella with her dad and then hugging her mom. Wow! Can you feel the emotional manipulation?! Another nature shot is followed by one of Jacob and Bella. I almost didn’t recognize Taylor Lautner with his shirt on- bleh- his acting skills are pretty average now that one can actually listen to his dialogue (it was kind of hard to hear him in New Moon with all the ladies, young and old, screaming at the sight of his abs). Ok so “blah blah blah, Bella please pick me,” and, “I’m better for her than you are (numb nuts)” – we all know that’s what he was thinking! BOOM, “Edward,” BOOM! Edward walks across a patch of grass. “She found us,” Bella says in that monotone voice of hers. Are you waiting in anticipation? Here she comes! Introducing the extraordinary, the talented, the wonderful: Rachel Lefevre’!!! Oopsy, no, Victoria seems to have had a makeover- even though vampires stay the same for eternity- it looks like they made an exception for Victoria, who is now played by Bryce Dallas Howard (wouldn’t it be nice if we all had a famous hollywood director for a dad?). Not to worry, Edward does assure Bella that he will protect her (from being recast) and it looks like Taylor Lautner was in dire need of something to call our attention away from his trivial acting skills. Aaah, he resorted to the ol’ ‘take you shirt off’ tactic again! Luckily I’m watching the trailer in the privacy of my home where no screaming can be heard and one can actually hear Jacob’s “I’m going to fight for you, until your heart stops beating.” BOOM! The Twilight Saga: Eclipse – concurs the showing of the trailer, with the intellectuals out there wondering whether there was any metaphoric meaning to Jacob’s final line. Deep. Real deep.

For those of you out there that are completely mystified by the diatribe going on above, thank-you, my work here is complete. Anyone who has not read or watched the Twilight books and movies will have NO idea what is going on in this trailer. This is indicative of a poorly made marketing object. How do you advertise a movie that makes no sense to a universal audience? I realise that it is a part of a series and that this one would be the third installment but come on! Surely it should give the watcher a basic sketch of what the hell is going on? On the other hand, it must seem quite funny to those backward people that don’t know anything about Twilight and Stephenie Meyer. This is what they are seeing: a pale faced man contrasted with a tan, shirtless (to show off his abs) man; a woman that can jump across a ravine; a Bella; lots of nature and fake flowers; heartbreaking music and riveting dialogue. Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh but ever since the first movie it’s been really hard for me to watch each installment. With acting that seems to be continually deteriorating , and the massacre of the characters and romance, it just feels like I’m in some type of non-Stephenie Meyer Twilight zone and surrounded by fakery- I mean for goodness sakes, plastic flowers? Seriously?! You can decide for yourself what you think, but if you could honestly say that the movies are better than the books I might have to send you off to join the cast of Alice in Wonderland- I think you could give Johnny Depp a run for his money in the portrayal of the Mad Hatter.